Tolkien Imitation
by starry-kittenpaws667
Summary: A highly funny imitation of Tolkien. If you read the intro first you'll understand the story much better. Enjoy! I find it reallly REALLY funny
1. Default Chapter

DISCLAIMER : I DID NOT MAKE UP, NOR DID I OWN, ANY OF THE LOTR CHARACTERS

Intro : Me and my best friend Liz wondered one day how Tolkien described the long, drawn-out battle scenes in his books. We decided to imitate what we thought Tolkien might have to write in order to fully describe the death of each and every Orc. I find it quite, quite funny!!!!! Enjoy!

Then the greenish Orc with one nostril slightly larger than the other was hit in the left forearm with a force of exactly 3.6589 newtons by Gimli's third cousin's best friend's uncle's ex-wife's half-brother's stepson.

          He fell exactly 48.654 feet down into the mud, where his left pinky first hit and sank 4.38764 inches into the mud, which happened to be a mixture of 49% dirt and 51% water.

          This mud sample was later analyzed in great detail by Professor John Biggs on March the 23rd, 1806. The Professor happened to live in the lower east suburb of Oxford, England, with his wife Annabelle Josephine Jemima Biggs, his daughter Alicia Margaret Elaine Biggs, and his gray part Siamese, part Abyssian cat with pedigree number 78564902884312 and his goldfish Herman.

          This Orc then hit his right shoulder blade on a rock with a diameter of 6.829654 feet. This fractured the upper point of the bone, shattering it into precises 986 pieces, although there has been some later dispute about whether it was not 987 pieces.

          However, at a conference called by Arthur Solitaire, on July 31st, 1886, it was confirmed that it was indeed 986 fragments of bone. Arthur Solitaire was an anaesthesiologist at the Children's Hospital in the right eastern half of the city of San Jose, California, on 7502 Green Hill Street, on the 22nd floor, down the hall at the 3rd door on the left.

          A moment later, the purple Orc with the dreadlocks precisely 17.429 inches long was thrown over the side of the castle by Legolas' mother's father's sister's half-brother's step-mother's ex-husband's third cousin's first cousin-once-removed's fourth cousin, with a force of exactly 29.45637882 newtons, at a speed of 98 miles per hour.

          The Orc smashed into a brick wall, causing it to collapse. Scientists have argued for decades over what might have caused the collapse. Professor Mitchell Mitchells has a new theory that many agree with. He states that the brick wall most likely collapsed because of the mortar between them, that had been wasting away because of erosion.

          Mitchells lives at 43 Fir Street, which just happens to be right next to the Fir Street Park, where Mitchell's daughter Chelsea likes to play. Chelsea, who is 7 years old, has five parakeets named Joey, Moe, Bo, Joe, and Schmoe. She has a baby brother, Ron, who is only three months old, who just happens to have exactly 31 stuffed animals in his possession.

          This caused some jealously with Chelsea, who only has 29 stuffed animals, so Mitchells brought them to a child psychologist who just happened to be a descendant of Aragorn's third cousin's wife's sister's son's half-sister's seventh cousin's niece. The psychologist concluded that Chelsea simply needed more stuffed animals so Mitchells brought her to Toyland, where they spent exactly 5 hours and 17 minutes searching for toys.

          Chelsea apparently selected a teddy bear, stuffed goldfish, and blue kitten. What does this have to do with Orcs, you may ask. Well, remember this: Mitchells, whose children's psychologist just happens to be Aragorn's third cousin's wife's sister's son's half-sister's seventh cousin's niece's descendent, came up with the theory that perhaps the purple Orc with the dreadlocks exactly 17.429 inches long who was thrown over the side of the castle by Legolas' mother's father's sister's half-brother's step-mother's ex-husband's third cousin's first-cousin-once-removed's fourth cousin, who slammed into the brick wall, might actually have collapsed the wall because of erosion, not pure weight.

          The battle continued normally after that, of course, until we get to a few minutes later, when the 17th Orc of the day was slain. The Orc was the one with the war paint on his left cheek and the skull tattoo on his right shoulder, but what made him distinguishable from the rest was the fact that he had one gold fang and three silver fillings in his back jaw, which ached so terribly that he was forced to go to the dentist, but the dentist was actually a spy for the Elves, who murdered the Orc who was sitting in the dentist chair.

          Later, now, the Orc's descendent (who just happened to be the Orc's first cousin's third cousin's half-brother's step-sister's cousin's daughter's son) is filing a law suit against the Elf, who was Arwen's second-cousin's half-sister's step-brother's third-cousin-twice removed's great-grandson, saying that it was an unprovoked attack.

          Judges are considering the case, saying that "…the crime was not on the battlefield, it was in the dentist's office, and that Elf had no right to kill that Orc." You may now be asking, why is that same Elf still alive? Because Elves live practically forever…But to get back to the point, a judge named Bernice Bennet brought up a new idea that could win the case for the Orc.

          Bennet, who has judged exactly 439 cases in her 7-year career, believes that the Orc should be given all of the money he is suing for. Arwen's second-cousin's half-sister's step-brother's third-cousin-twice removed's great grandson had no right to kill that Orc, because the Orc wasn't trying to fight, it just wanted some painkillers.

                    But here Arwen's second-cousin's half-sister's step-brother's third-cousin-twice-removed's great-grandson replied, "You call an Orc a poor helpless victim?" The battle between the two raged on until Arwen's second-cousin's half-sister's step-brother's third-cousin-twice-removed's great-grandson got irritated and pulled out his bow and shot her with an arrow.

          Everybody got furious then and the scene resembled the battle in Rohan…The Elf was forced to flee to Rivendell whereupon he came upon a strange Ring and decided to put it on. He found that nobody could get mad at him if he was invisible and if he wore the ring he was invisible, so he never took it off.

          An unspeakable evil spread across the land, even after the ring had supposedly been destroyed in the third book of the lord of the rings, the return of the king, but apparently it survived the fires of Mordor and is back to haunt us. I wonder if there are any hobbits left in the world to help us…

          But to get back to the battle, finally the 39th Orc was slain, and that was of some interest to the public because this Orc just happened to be Rarfk, the huge and stupid Orc with the enormous nose and blue claws and freakish glaring purple/yellow eyes. The huge and stupid Orc with the enormous nose and blue claws and freakish glaring purple/yellow eyes was slain by Aragorn, who was still alive at the time.


	2. REALLY Poor Tolkien

DISCLAIMER : NO I do not own any of the LOTR characters – BUT I DO own this story!!!!

A moment later, Haldir's sixth cousin's step-sister's evil stepfather's grandmother's half-brother's uncle's second-cousin-thrice-removed's niece's nephew pulled out his bow and shot the yellow Orc with the single purple scale on his scalp and the 19 braids. The yellow Orc with the single purple scale on his scalp with 19 braids immediately threw a tantrum and the battle was immediately halted so the Orc could run and get his ANGER MANAGEMENT PILLS. 

The pills, produced by Anger Management Pills Co., were thought up by Doctor Richard Pencil, who now teaches at Stanford University. Pencil is married to none other than Jackie Grey, Bilbo's fourth cousin's step-brother's grandfather's nephew's pediatrician's niece's first grade teacher's daughter, and they have 3 children – Marie, Katie, and Sadie. Unfortunately for the family, last summer Marie fell ill with the flu.

Experts now suspect that Marie's sickness was actually caused by her best friend Elizabeth Andrews, who got the same sickness last spring from her baby brother, who had been playing in a sandbox that contained a stray cat. Marie's symptoms included a headache, stuffy nose, and fever. Strangely enough, it took several weeks for Marie's symptoms to fade away. Her father then filed a lawsuit against Elizabeth Andrews' father, David Andrews, saying that 'my daughter could have died from the flu!'

Richard Pencil sued for exactly 7 million, six hundred and forty two thousand, nine hundred twenty eight dollars, but his wife later convinced him that perhaps his chances of winning the suit would be increased if he sued for only 7 million six hundred and forty two thousand nine hundred and twenty seven dollars. Though Pencil did not win the law suit, he did later win the lottery. The Super Lotto Plus jackpot was, at that point, one hundred and sixty two million dollars, but Pencil was forced to share the money with Ringo, Sam's wife's uncle's step-brother's third-cousin-twice-removed's fourth husband's niece's psychiatrist's best friend. 

To return to the pills, each one contains exactly 2.34379784264874837829483208 calories and a mere 1.87482947832 grams of fat. Anger Management Pills Co.'s Anger Management Pills contain only .0098742887 grams of sugar, 5.74872772536243081552 carbohydrates, and 84% of the daily recommended amount of Vitamins A, B, and C. 

A few minutes passed, and the Orcs fought bravely, but suddenly Phlegmk, the second-in-command Orc with the ballooning red warts, pointy nose, and strange, penciled-out eyebrows was beheaded by Balin's fourth cousin's step-uncle's niece's artichoke-pie-loving cousin-once-removed. Phlegmk, the second-in-command Orc with the ballooning red warts, pointy nose, and strange, penciled-out eyebrows' head flew exactly 12.38787 feet before clunking down onto a rock. The tiny droplets of blood that stained the rock remained for all of eternity, allowing Yale graduate Michelle Wheezer to examine it, hundreds of years later.

It was concluded by Michelle, who just happened to be a descendent of Elrond's half-brother's daughter's worst enemy's great-uncle's mother, that Phlegmk, the second-in-command Orc with the ballooning red warts, pointy nose, and strange, penciled-out eyebrows was suffering from a nasty cold, due to the ratio of bacteria to blood cells. The question has come up as to whether the Orc's tissue was softened by his disease, and that it is possible that it was easier to cut off his head than it should have been.

To find an answer, reporters went to every centuries-old talk show that ever existed, finding that the Fellowship of the Rings Talk Show was the most helpful. Reporter Christine Melissa Joan Elizabeth Anne Diana Dalton searched through the records, discovering that Balin's fourth cousin's step-uncle's niece's artichoke-pie-loving-cousin-once-removed had come on the show, discussing the beheading of Phlegmk, the second-in-command Orc with the ballooning red  warts, pointy nose, and strange, penciled-out eyebrows.

It was finally concluded that the Orc's tissue had not been softened – the reason for the death was Balin's fourth cousin's step-uncle's niece's artichoke-pie-loving-cousin-once-removed's recently sharpened axe.


End file.
